If you follow my blog you know that I normally don't post personal post. I have been working on this post for a while. As a mom, this is something that I feel other mom's can relate too.
I was 21 when I got pregnant. I knew a lot about kids from helping with my brothers, So I was ready to be a mom. Of course I did not know everything, but I "thought" I knew a lot more than what I really did. I thought I knew all of the important things.
Everyone tells you about the baby part, no one tells you about the part that changes you. The part I am referring to is the way your body changes. Not only by weight, but everything about it. You become a different person.
For being 21 and a model, I honestly thought my old body would come right back. I thought I would be on the runway again in no time. I thought I could be doing photo-shoots and looking great in them! I thought I could feel confident. However, a year later I do not have that model body back!
It is like I don't recognize myself. I look in the mirror and see a completely different person. It's hard being uncomfortable in your own body. I use to have no problem wearing a bikini, now I second guess my self. Not just because of the weight gain but also the stretch marks and the flab. I use to have no problem walking in a bikini around the pool, now I need that cover up or towel. I feel embarrassed to walk around in my own body. I try to hide so no one can look and see the "ugliness" that I see on myself.
It's hard to feel pretty in anything in this body. You try on outfits and say the outfit isn't cute just because you can't get over the way you look in it. You try to believe it's the outfit when it's not. It's hard to feel like you are beautiful with anything you put on. People say "you look good now" or "you needed to gain the weight" I don't disagree, but that doesn't mean it feels right to me. I don't feel like myself in this body. It's different. It's hard to accept.
I thought I was different. I thought I would bounce back being 21 and a model. I never expected to feel like this. I never expected to look like this.When you are young, you don't expect these changes. I didn't expect to be unsure of myself or embarrassed of myself..
I still have those pre pregnancy clothes tucked away hoping just maybe one day I'll fit in them again. I have hope that I will wake up one day and just see that old body in the mirror. That maybe it will just come back.
I appreciate what my body went thru to give me such an amazing present. I'm learning to accept the changes my body has made. I mean if I didn't gain those forty pounds or get those nasty stretch marks I would not have the best thing that ever happened to me. I would not have Bentley. I would give anything up for my son, even my old body.
I faced the fact that I am never getting that body back. Or the confidence I had with it. Instead I'm finding my self again. I'm gaining a new confidence. I'm learning to love the "new me". I'm starting to feel beautiful, again.